tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central April 20, 2016 2:37am-3:08am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] >> larry: thanks to our guests. keep it 100. >> tonight's question is from an audience member named liam, let's take a look. hey larry i have great news for you, you are now a pair. but here is the thing, you have to choose between bernie sandersers hair and donald trump's hair. which would you choose? keep it 100. >> i have hair. i am not even going to say. i would go for bernie's hair because i would never have to comb it. challenge me. challenge me! thanks for being here!
>> comedy central >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on msn. ice cream lords ben and jerry were arrested in washington d.c. during a demonstration to get -- demonstration and money in politics. they were with a group called democracy awakening, which is apparently a protest organization and not a high school band as the name
sounds. according to capitol police, ben and jerry were charged with crowding and obstructing. comedians, since their co-founders have been arrested, what's an ice cream flavor ben & jerry's might produce from prison? >> lethal dairy injection. chris: perfect. tom. tom ellis. >> electric cherry. chris: yes. >> prison grape. chris: there we go. it's time to start "@midnight." [cheers and applause] >> chris: hello, you welcome to "@midnight." welcome to @midnight. i'm chris hardwick. tonight is "tag team tuesday," tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. of nothing they can hold in their hands.
tonight's comedians are co-author of "prime: a genesis series event, volume 1" available on amazon, it's chris kluwe. [cheers and applause] >> chris: from "lucifer," season one finale airs monday on fox, it's tom ellis. [cheers and applause] >> chris: her hour special "only whores wear purple" debuts with limited commercial interruption saturday at 11 p.m. on comedy central, it's rachel feinstein. [cheers and applause] >> chris: congratulations on your comedy special. very cool. >> thank you, very much. >> chris: let's see who you are playing for. the randomizer. chris, you are playing for @alisonilana. tom, you are playing for @joevenom412.
rachel, you are playing for @buffcribbs94. >> my other half. chris: pretty buff cribs there. ripped from today's internet headlines, it's "rapid refresh." [cheers and applause] >> chris: wow. here six internet items that i love, and one that i really hate. see if you can figure it out! first up kitten play. kitten play. this pic tweeted of elementary custodies dressed for their spring play. cute the winn winny the pooh vet looks like magic mike. going for the honey pot. this kid blocked out the most depressing costume. a, grass. b, syringe. c, a bucket labeled manure. >> i'm going with a bucket labeled manure. as a parent i would dress my kids that way.
>> chris: oh, man. [ applause ] >> great dad. >> my wife is like, my god. chris: this is -- a grass costume looks like this. very sad. the most upsetting part is that he's clearly tied up! next up, gay pride. this broke back moment of two cubs, let's call it porn cubs. you know what it is. see the picture, there they are. ♪ can you feel the love tonight [cheers and applause] >> i feel this is what elton
john was picturing. >> chris: a hundred points for that. >> thank you. chris: i don't know how this happened. i assume they met on grrrrrrrr-indr? apparently these two hooked up while a lioness was nearby, leading experts to think that she may have been pregnant, or maybe just watching and rubbin' it out. who knows. according to one zoologist, homosexual behavior has been found in all species, "with the exception of species that never have sex at all, such as sea urchins and ted cruz. comedians, i love the expression. could you please not look -- please. >> give us a moment. chris: i would love to said these two to north carolina and watch businesses deny them service. amazing. comedians, since this kind of behavior is not uncommon in the animal kingdom, i would like you to narrate this scene in the style of a stodgy british nature documentary. tom ellis. he may have a leg up on this
one. >> here we are, deep in the planes of africa watching these two male lions go at it hammer and tongue. oh, ya that's -- oh, wow. that is -- anyways i have to go, love. i have a documentary here. >> chris: points. [cheers and applause] >> i like the -- i appreciated that you were thrusting. >> chris: he was really -- >> i liked the slowly [beep] the podium. >> chris: it's great when we get an actual actor who takes it in. >> yes. brought that for me. i feel soiled some how. >> chris: i would think that's what it's like to talk to tom ellis on the phone. rachelle. >> in the bushes you see ted cruz shame masturbate, that is a thing. i do it i shame masturbate. [ applaus
[ applause ] >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. now time for the #hashtagwars. tonight we're visited by the star of fox's "lucifer," a show about the devil coming to los angeles to help cops punish criminals. fun fact, the audience is there: now it's the only show about an ancient evil creature living in l.a. whose title doesn't begin with the words "real housewives." so in honor of satan invading the small screen. people say that all the time. so in honor of satan invading the small screen, tonight's hashtag is, #maketvshowsevil oh [beep], ya. [ applause ] >> [beep] chris: yes, high on the blood of innocence. examples maybe how i met your
murderer 60 seconds, begin. >> from the producer of friends, enemies. >> chris: points. >> to catch and release a predator. >> chris: rachelle. >> store average war crimes. chris: points. tom. >> non con sexual sex in the city. >> chris: points. very evil. tom. >> the cosby show. [laughing] >> chris: now, yes. points. >> mr. roger gidel's neighborhood. >> chris: rachelle. >> door at impaler. adorable. >> chris: i'm going to put this spike through your spine. [laughing] >> chris: good. >> the walking dead but they're racist. [laughing] >> chris: this is terrible the zombies are only a stacking minorities. tom ellis. >> how i hoeurd a guy to kill your mother. >> chris: points. rachelle. >> curious george zimmerman.
hris: points. totally. tom. >> dr. woooo -- [laughing] >> chris: points. perfect. that takes us to the end of #hashtagwars. send us your hashtags to keep the game going. we will be right back on "@midnight." our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @dumbassgenius. ♪ schick xtreme3. 3 flexible blades... ...that adapt to any contour... ...for extreme comfort. schick xtreme3. try xtreme3 ultimate. more glide, better comfort. free your skin. [alarm bell ringing] oh no, the car!
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play out of tune. out of tune. whether you're a kid home alone on saturday morning or a 30-year-old shut in home alone on saturday night. cartoons are the best. while they're trying to sell more cereal for big green they're trying to entertain their audiences. i have a clip to show you, tell me the lesson it's teaching. this is moses, egypt's great prince. >> a light. my eyes. kp-rbd. [laughing] >> chris: that's the only pussy on that boat. can you feel the love --
what is the lesson here, rachelle? >> people have had [beep] hair cuts for centuries. >> chris: points. >> the bible is dope ish. did you see that. [ applause ] >> chris: flaming cats, [beep] ya. points for that. next up this festive clip from "he-man & she-ra: a christmas special"... >> christmas time. what's that. >> it's a season of love and joy and caring. [laughing] >> ya, a mouthy little asshole. chris: [beep] up in no time. what do you learn from this
cartoon, what do you learn, tom ellis? >> just lay her up. chris: points, points. [laughing] >> stkres i dress in clothes li. chris: excellent skelatore. >> never attempted skelatore. >> skelatore is jewish and does not give a [beep] about your christmas holidays. >> chris: points. [ applause ] >> chris: next, this beastly clip from "megaman." >> it's halloween or what. [laughing] >> chris: i'm sorry i have to do it again. ♪ can you feel the love tonight. [ applause ]
>> chris: this was the prequel to the lion photo. what can kids learn from this. chris. >> lsd is a hell of a drug. chris: points. rachelle. >> being a furry is contagious. chris: if they start shooting eyelids. points. [ applause ] >> chris: next, this romantic encounter from "galaxy high school." >> how about a kiss, earth boy. >> i'll get you for this, amy. [laughing] >> i don't [beep] know. i don't. what does this teach us? chris. >> every species has a kardashian. [cheers and applause]
>> chris: tom ellis. >> be careful what you wish for when you roofy an octopus. >> chris: points. rachelle. >> just because it's made for kids doesn't mean you can't beat off to it. [laughing] reufpl>> chris: rachelle, i thiu came up with a new motto for japan. that is the end of "out of tune." it's time for our live challenge, "scientif-el-back." for over 20 years, canadian fart-rock band nickelback has been the favorite punching bag of critics, possibly because their music sounds like a nauseous goat fellating 1980s-era arnold schwarzenegger, but we've never known for sure. until now. a finnish researcher has a scientific explanation for why people love to hate them. she theorizes it's because:
"they follow genre conventions too well, which is read as commercial tactics and as a lack of a stable and sincere identity." ooo, sick burn! i literally get accused of the same thing every day. i feel i understand them better. nickelback is suddenly my favorite band! i totally get it i totally get it now. man. [ applause ] >> chris: so with my new found nickelback support comedians, there must be some pro-nickelback scientists out there to refute these findings. so i want you to give me a rebuttal: what's a scientific explanation for why nickelback (/ bleep/ )-ing rocks? couldn't even get support on that. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight!
[cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i showed you a scientific study explaining why people love to hate nickelback and i asked you to give me a scientific reason why nickelback (/ bleep/ )-ing rocks. let's see what you came up with. chris kluwe. >> according to the theory of relatively the universe is curved. hence suck is curved and can be applied to a high level of suck. applied to ac/dc. >> chris: scientific. rachelle feinstein. >> according to dave matthews law the age of the popular bond is -- and the doucheyness of the fans remains constant. [ applause ] >> chris: well done. tom ellis. >> they're high in protein,
plentiful in the spring and summer, native to many coastal waters, related to sea horses. sorry that's stickleback. no nickel back [beep] [ applause ] >> chris: the supportive -- okay. let's see. a thousand points to rachelle. 500 to tom and chris. to our next game. "what sucks?" "what sucks?" i don't know if you now this last friday was that sucks day the only day a year when we're allowed to talk about all the things that suck in our lives-- from bad haircuts, to manspreading on the subway, to how chris hardwick sucks corporate [beep] because he liked the "walking dead" season finale, and we missed it! we missed our chance and that sucks. so comedians, let's celebrate that sucks day right here, right now, by venting about things that suck. in 60 seconds. begin. tom. >> my new inflatable dart port.
chris: yes. >> covering up concussion studies in a multi billion dollar sports league. >> chris: what would you know about that. points. tom. >> what ever is on the other side that weird hole in my dressing room. >> chris: rachelle. >> people on tinder looking for a partner in crime. >> chris: i know exactly -- chris. >> using a rachelle slur as your team's name. >> chris: tom. >> people who say that's funny instead of laughing. >> chris: points. rachelle. >> people that argue about the holocaust under unboxing videos. >> chris: chris. >> nickelback. [laughing] >> chris: that's the end of, "what sucks?" i see mr., tom ellis, you're in third place. >> what. chris: i'm sorry. >> that sucks. chris: that sucks. i'm afraid we must cut the devil
and cast you back down from hence you came. you have any last words before we bathe you in hell light? >> no i'm just going to go and hang out in the lions in my dressing room. [cheers and applause] >> chris: i cast you out to hell! >> chris: tom ellis thank you, so much, tom ellis. [ applause ] >> chris: that means it's time to make your bed and lie in it. it's "for the win!" for centuries in spain, if you wanted to figure out if your husband was cheating on you, you had to sit him down with his girlfriend, his mistress, your boyfriend, your lover, a bullfighter and the local soccer team to confront him about it. then you all [beep] each other not anymore a spanish company named durmet has invented the "smarttress." it's a mattress connected to an app, which for only $1750 will monitor your bed for unsanctioned (/ bleep/ )-ing. take a look.
>> chris: oh, no. what. what. [laughing] >> chris: dio mio. then what happens after you find out. is there a button the matter are folds up and burst -tsz into flames. [beep] you. fine the guy will finger the baby sitter in the garage. they will know. they won't do it on the mattress. commendians, what the text you may get from your bed? we will have the answers and name a winner when we dom back on "@midnight." [cheers and applause] new schick hydro®
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for "for the win. th" comedian feinstein versus cs kluwe. [cheers and applause] i will wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. it comes down to this. i read your answers allowed. you the audience decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. before the break, i told you that spain invented a bed that sends you a text when your bed is being used for unsanctioned (/ bleep/ )-ing and i asked you give me an example of a text you might get from your bed. let's see what you wrote. first one ... new wife. [inaudible] [cheers and applause]
>> chris: or ... your wife's boyfriend number 5 pears to be 69. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] who is number two? chris kluwe, you have won the internet. nice to see you. >> chris: thank you & goodnight. we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be doug benson, steve agee, and tyler labine. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #maketvshowsevil and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. chrishardwick on have a good night! >> next on "c-span," earlier today, president obama introduced ebola czar ron klain, who took questions on the latest developments in the ebola crisis. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, thank you all for coming. as you know, just two days ago,